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Subject:Fax friends
Time:12:17 am
In the last 2 years I'd lost friends that had been really important to me in my first year here. Either through distance or douchebaggary, they weren't there for me, or the people I'd been friends with. And it made me really sad. I think part of my post-break-up-break-down had to do with the fact that I felt like I was losing a lot of people in my Halifax life. I even wrote a letter to my one friend (not one of the above mentioned) and explained to her why I was sad and that I missed her. And things got better for a bit, but they quickly returned to what they were, so I washed my hands of her. But lately, I've gotten 2 friends back. One is going to take a lot more time to really have back, and tonight I feel like I made a lot of progress in the right direction, but I'm on the right path. And it makes me really happy.
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Subject:Marriage Deals
Time:05:39 pm
You know those agreements people make: "If we're not married by the time we're 40, we'll marry each other". Denis told me his (our) friend's ex said that to him (our friend, not Denis) and our friend pretty much told his ex to fuck off. It got me thinking, why do people make these agreements? Why do they propose such things? Marriage is forever, and I would hope not something you settle into. Perhaps it is my post-break up mind that is wondering this, but I've always hoped for myself that I wouldn't settle. And in making this agreement, you have decided that you won't be able to find someone in that amount of time that will make you truly happy. So you decide that spending forever with this other person that you like just enough will be better than trying to find this person about whom you are passionate. In my friend's situation, he had dated this girl. Clearly something happened that they are no longer dating. And if that's the case, their relationship must not work. So why would they make a date to confine themselves to that unworking relationship for as long as they both shall live? Just seems strange to me. And not a life I would want. I'd rather be on my own and fulfill my life in other ways than have a husband who is alright I guess. What kind of life is that?
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Time:11:58 am
I'm meant to be having this party tonight and in the last 24 hours half the fucking guest list has cancelled! Even my best Halifax friends have bailed on me. I've told them that I feel like shit, and lovely and sad and they don't do anything. I feel like if it was the other way around, I'd go out of my way to be there for them, but I apparently don't get the same courtesy. If I hadn't bought all of this goddamn food already, I'd cancel it. I've got about 18L of risotto just sitting on my stove waiting to be finished. It's gonna be crap, and I'm gonna feel worse afterwards.

Fuck it, I'll just get really really drunk.
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Time:10:04 pm
So, it's been a month. And it's been nearly 2 weeks of me not talking to him at all. Today I felt lonely.

I was doing so well at the start of these last 2 weeks. I really felt like not having contact with him was the best idea, and I still feel that way. But today I felt lonely. And I missed him. Shit I thought I was past the crying part.
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Time:09:12 am
I went to a part on Friday. My friend Holly graduated. So she was the only one that I knew at this party, and because of that, Denis didn't come. It was good. We ended up at someone else's place and at the end of the night I was standing on the balcony with just this guy, Kevin. We were just sitting talking, he asked me a question and said "Wait, I have to do something." And he walked over, he took my hands in his face, and he kissed me. I didn't know what to do. I just sat there for a second just kind of like, ummm what just happened?! It was an amazing kiss. He said, "Ok, continue" and I answered the question. And then we made out.

And then Denis came and picked me up.

The next day, I didn't feel guilty. Which made me think that perhaps I shouldn't be in this relationship anymore. And I thought about it more and I talked about it with a couple of people and really decided that I wasn't happy. I don't think I've been happy for a while, to be honest. We were bickering a lot. I was barely off the plane when I got home from Cuba and I was annoyed with him. We're just so different. Kevin is basically the complete opposite of Denis. He's social, and forward and decisive. It wasn't Kevin himself, but the idea of Kevin, that someone like that exists, it showed me that what I want is out there.

So on Tuesday, I broke up with Denis. It was really sad. We both cried. I'd always told him that he loved me more than I loved him and I think he thought it was a joke, but I was serious. After he left he sent me a message and said that he was sorry he failed as a boyfriend. I told him he didn't fail. And he said that he tried as hard as he could but it wasn't good enough. That broke my heart. So I cried all night, drank everything I had in the house (2 strongbows, 1 screwdriver), sent some texts - the replies to which made me cry even more, and went to bed.

On Wednesday I still felt like poo so I went to my friend Laura's house. She basically made me laugh for 2 hours straight, which was exactly what I needed. And I started to feel better. Wednesday night he sent me a text saying that he thinks he's done being sad, can we be friends now? I said yes, but I'm not sure if he's really going to be ok. I guess there's only one way to find out.

I think that we were kidding ourselves thinking we could make it to August, shake hands and be on our way. It's too hard to date when you have a set end date. It was like I was expiration dating. And I just couldn't do it anymore. Kevin was just a catalyst for something that was inevitable.
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Time:11:29 pm
I'm so full of rage right now.

First, a little back story. Denis has only had one other girlfriend. And she cheated on him and broke his heart. Her name is Shea.

Though she broke his heart, he has for some reason remained friends with her. She is on his facebook. She messages him and chats to him and they discuss everything in their lives.

Including me and his and my relationship.

It bothers me to no end.

Every time they talk, I find out about it somehow. First I would see notifications of her posting on his wall, then eventually, I would look for history of their chats. I know it's not right to snoop, but he knows that it bothers me, but still keeps it from me. Every time I find out it becomes a huge fight.

Tonight I went on his computer after he'd gone to bed and his facebook was open, so I just looked to see if they'd chatted. If her name isn't in the drop down, then I'm satisfied that they haven't spoken and I log out of his and into mine. That's the only place I look. Her name was there tonight. So I clicked on it, and it took me a sweet lifetime to get to the start of the conversation. And some of the stuff that was said in the conversation, it really hurt me. And they talked about his and my relationship and I hate that. I didn't even get to the end of the conversation before Denis got up and came out. I only had time to click on a new tab, so he saw what I was reading. He got so angry that I'd gone through his stuff and I got angry that he did it. I know that she messages him every time, but he knows how much it bothers me. As far as I'm concerned, all he has to do is say "You know what, it really bothers Meaghan when we talk, so I think it's best if we don't" And that would be it. But he hasn't done that, and we've had this fight no less than 4 times. It's not that I'm jealous of her or anything, and I know he would never do anything with her. It's the simple fact that she treated him like shit, but he still speaks to her and talks to her about all manner of things.

So I left. Denis isn't good with words, so I was just waiting for him to speak. It's really hard to have a fight with him, but that's besides the point. He finally said that he wanted to be alone and I left. But leaving made me so angry. It feels like he thinks he's the only injured party. It really doesn't seem like he gets how I feel about it. As if the fact that she messages him makes all the difference. Since he doesn't initiate the conversation, that makes it ok. He may not start it, but he doesn't have to continue it.
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Time:12:14 pm
Denis got into Waterloo to do his Masters. He's there right now. The school flew him out to see it. I've been texting him, and he's been telling me how he's been loving every single minute of it. I'm really happy for him, but I'm kind of jealous at the same time. I'm jealous he gets to move there soon and I still have to be here. So many people I know are graduating this year and the closer April gets, the more frustrated I am that I'm not. And it isn't as if I effed up and have to stay another year, I'm only in third year, and 4 years is how long it takes. But I am really thinking about how my degree panned out and it's left me wishing I'd done so much differently. I know it's all hindsight, and some of the stuff I legit had no way of knowing at the time that there would have been a better path, but some stuff I really should have done better, and maybe that would have led to the other stuff.
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Subject:Maths
Time:08:41 pm
One day last term Denis asked me if I actually like math. He says I complain about it all the time, so it's hard to tell if I actually like it. I've found myself wondering lately. It's barely 2 weeks into this term and I really can't wait for it to be over. I'm just not interested in any of my classes (except 1, game theory you are making my life right now). I'm in this graph theory class that seems to just be an extension of my 2135 class that I hated but with a few graphs sprinkled in. The prof is a dick and the text is so hard to read (it basically says mathmathmathmathmathmathmath). I'm thinking about dropping it, but I need 8 3000 level or higher classes. Right now I have 2, and am taking 2 more this term. If I drop this one, I'd have to take 5 next year, and that doesn't give me a lot of breathing room. Also, there are a fair number of classes that I am not interested in and some I can't take because I don't have the pre-reqs. I look at some people in my life like Denis or Tierney and they love love LOVE their degrees. I only like parts of mine, and just complain about the rest. Denis keeps asking me what I'm going to take next year and I keep telling him that I have to wait and see what's offered. Which is partly true. But I partly don't know how I'm going to find another 4 classes.
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Time:10:42 pm
I'm getting really sick of people judging my relationship.

I was speaking to my mom the other day and she referred to it as a friendship, and I was like, Mom, we're dating. And she was like, yes but you keep saying it isn't going anywhere, and I said yes, but we've been dating for a year. He is my boyfriend for realsies. You can call it that. And she was so awkward about it! Last weekend I had a conversation with my sister as well. Denis had gone to Montreal and Kim asked what he was doing there. I said Montreal things, and he was checking out McGill and Concordia because he's applying to grad school there. And she said something and I said that we aren't likely to do long distance, and she was like, ".....so...you'll move to Montreal?" I was like, no, we'll break up. And after I told her why, like how we want completely different things in life, she kept going on about how she and her husband were like that, and here they are nearly 20 years later. And while I was on the receiving end of this passive aggressive lecture, I just thought, "You only married Trevor because you were pregnant, and your marriage barely scraped through at certain times, why on earth would I want that for myself?"

I know Denis loves me, and he'd be happy with me, he tells me that. But I know I wouldn't be happy with him forever. And I think he'd resent me for denying him things that he wants in life. But why can't we just date now and just be? Why can't we just enjoy this happy time we're having and not have everyone look at our relationship with judgment, scorn and disbelief? It's so frustrating to have to justify it over and over again, when the details and aspects of our relationship is no one's business but ours.
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Subject:Superstore
Time:03:29 pm
I work at superstore. I've made some of my best Halifax friends there. But like any retail type job, the turn over is huge. In addition to that, a lot of people that I used to be friends with have changed (or I have changed, or we both have) and they've become someone intolerable. One guy became an engineer and thus boy poison and has slowly inflicted his vile girlfriend on us more and more. Another guy started going to Dal just for the look of it and basically brags about how poorly he does. And a third is just so black and white about everything and very unwavering, and it's really hard to speak to him because he has no middle ground.

I formed a gang with my really close friends. Initially it was 3 of us, we recruited one in and the 5th is on probation. The first left just before school started, and within the next 2 weeks, the 2 other original girls will have left. It sucks.
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